Prayer that seemed like a monologue

It's Easter of 2008, Another year where a group Tamil Christians, living locally nearby, flocked to attend the 4.00 am worship. In the best of their colourful pattu Sarees, jasmine hair-do's and grandest of authentic gold jewels (and of course accompanied by their humble husbands and bubbly kids) i see families walking in with a big black covered holy book. With their heads downs and eyes 360 angle up, they seat themselves comfortably inside the place whose ceilings and windows was decorated with colourful glitter papers and jasmine flowers. Pastor's Easter message which was loud enough to hit the streets was seeming to lose it's probability of hitting the minds of his audience.

For me it was another day at the church where i sought My God, at His alter. A place where my soul made supplications with faith. Years have gone by, so seemed the unanswered prayers to My God at this church. A ruined filthy living space called home, waiting for so called God's Promises, Family's Financial crunch and Dumps, feckless mother who lives her spiritual instincts, my need to be loved, nothing seemed to have changed in years. It was as though prayers was for the weak, who are waiting for things to happen than making them happen. Faith was for the fools who do not trust their own potentials. God was a figure-head that generations imagined for deep intimate companionship (especially in downs). My laments on this day of HIS Resurrection at HIS alter dissolved yet again in HIS love. In HIS glory He yet again descended, to show that HE is there. With tear flooded eyes, a anxious heart (and running nose) i repeated my supplications with residual hope in HIS Glorious Alter. For what seems like a Monologue, Will one day be Answered in HIS time.

Easters, Good-Fridays, Christmas's and New year repeats itself, so will my prayers be...

A mail that revived the ME in me

Following mail was received from someone who has been buddy since high school. Was received in one of inferior weak moments where I felt embarrassed to speak out my thoughts. Here it is, saved without any editing or deletions,

Beulah:
Confidence, the lack of it! that’s what you and I face while talking to people. When we are confident whatever we do becomes a second nature. Well, the question here is how to get confidence? This can be answered (at least from my perspective) from outside in; by answering the question when or how I don’t have confidence. Invariably, the answer is when i fear something or fear embarrassment - the fear of what people are thinking about me? The moment i forget what people are thinking about me, my concentration is fully devoted to what I am doing or saying to people around me.

So logically; removing the thought of what people are thinking about me, to free up my mind to concentrate on what I am doing would yield better result. Yeah....this cannot be done overnight. it needs practice.

For some people it works differently. Some people are more confident when they know that people around them know very little compared to them. In that case, try to assume people around you are stupid (audience are naked!!!! he eh eh he he!!).

I am not a pro, but in the same learning boat as you are! So lets work together on this confidence building and make people run around naked!

Lucid Dreamer ~

"your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams" - Bible

"I've travelled to places I've never been before, have related with my dear ones in a way I've never did in physical sense, rewinded to live back my school days, re-written the exams with a fear of failure, been embarrassed of the sudden realization of my partial bareness in public, been chased by an attacker who intendeds to hurt me , last and the best FLEW many times over lands, snow mountains and Islands without any wings". Few of these scenes could have been staged in your Fourth REM stage of sleep too...

In my Dream Factory called Mind, Rules do not Apply. They often freely let me experience my wishes at sub-conscious level, mirror my current physcological stand and sometimes even serve as message from God. I was once interpreted that Flying when dreaming could mean that in the real world one has risen above something or gained a different perspective on things or simply point personal sense of power.

Privileged of being spiritualistic, i have gained access of interpreting God's messages through dreams. In one such episode was I standing in porch talking with the woman who brought me forth into this world. Her efforts to warn me about Christ's Second Coming fail, as I deliberately counter her with the logical proofs and those many hundred years that Christians have wasted away in their foolishness. In this modern day scientific-technological world, it seem pretty unrealistic for me to believe in rapture or 1000 years of suffering. While i was still talking, we saw the sky suddenly tear open and Christ descending from the clouds. My mom least bothered about me, runs towards him with all her love. I stood deeply saddened of being left over and then wait in line to take a mark on my right hand. Even at this very moment, my pulses raise as i ponder over this warning that was once communicated through dreams.

Dreams often reveals the mysterious hidden in my real world. Encompasses me in a Direction that I'm destined to live, warns me beforehand of the misfortunes and on the lighter side helps me reign as a happy princess in my wonderland :)

Sole warrior in an armed battlefield

Talk about single women, screenshots of the attractive brighter side like that of “sex and the city” characters pass through my mind. Women who have an era to celebrate their life on and yet cherish their own personal time. Independent, individualistic, courageous, self motivated may be few of sugar coated traits that would define those single princesses. But as illusory as it may seem in retrospect, within every strong hearted single princess is a weakling waiting desperately to be rescued by her knight (borrowed from SATC, again).

Uncommitted life comes with its own anxieties of single handedly managing all life chores. From handling her own finances to defending herself for her cause in this male chauvinistic society, she constantly fights to makes her survival secure. In pretending to be positive, I see her stacking up diminutive doses of stress and depression to her biological system. Topping it all up, the lack the intimate emotional support that marriage could offer (and which no friend can ever offer) makes her physiological health proportional to amount of self-motivation shots injected into her mind.

In all this, I recognize these vulnerable loners playing a role of that of a MAN, combating to prove her existence to herself. Science has indeed proved to us that stress level increases the level testosterone hormones in our immune system. In being single she breaks out of the gender laws layed by nature only to be disappointed. My Bible says "It is not good for man to be alone" but to me “It is highly dangerous for a women to be single”. For her feminine beauty is only revealed through congenial lovable presence of her Man.

My message? Life’s greatest happiness and satisfaction lies in God made communion called Marriage/ Family* Conditions Apply :)